My Life in Japan

The Ins and outs of my time here in Japan.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Happy Birthday Daddy!

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I spoke to you a few hours ago
and your voice almost broke my heart.
Barely audible... the first thing you said was
"How are you?" and the next "how is school?"
I wanted to talk with you a little bit longer
but you would not say much more.
But then you were always a silent person so I figured it was your way of avoiding getting too emotional.
I was barely able to wish you "Happy Birthday" before mom took over and ranted about the different foods you guys were having for your special day.
She talked on about who was coming and what they'd be bringing.
Laughing all the while at how you were scowling at those around for making such a big fuss over what you claim is just another day.

But it isn't just another day dad, it's your 80th Birthday and very much worthy of a celebration.The phone call ended on a high mom always knows what to say to make a person feel less guilty. Years of practice I guess.

Then as if propelled by some unseen force I called the US to speak to my sister Luisa. The two of us were the only children missing from the celebrations.
Can't remember what lead to what but all of a sudden I realized that our conversation had taken a devastating turn.

My sister had news for me that literally snatched my breath away.
I felt giddy as tears streamed down my face soaking my shirt.
She had called home last Friday and spoke with my eldest sister.
what was said to her which she has passed on to me is still ringing in my ears
the tears come unbidden again.

My dad is dying...(someone please wake me up) say it isn't so...he's a diabetic...though he has managed to keep it under control for many years... his lungs and kidneys are finally failing. His doctor has advised that the regiment of pills he has been taking has to be discontinued. They are too strong and his gradually weakened body is no longer responding to it.
They are not exactly sure how much time he has left, could be months, weeks or even days.
MySpace Layouts My dad loves dogs.

My head is spinning and I am trying hard not to cry, but its futile to resist the tears...my hands are shaking as endless thoughts race through my head. I am trying to process them rationally but I am on the verge breaking down.
My biggest fear has been realized
I know that I should have been more prepared for this.
I know everybody dies but it's hard to let go.

The last person I lost who I loved as much as my dad was my Uncle Tuigamala Iopu.
I miss him still everyday and I always wonder what it would have been like were he still alive.
The void he left in my heart is still painful even after ten years.
Since then I have not endured anything so heartbreaking.
I cried a river when my uncle departed how much more will satisfy my sorrow for my father?

My dad has never been one to trouble/impose or inconvenience anyone...anyone.
So I knew that my family weren't going to tell me, my dad would see to it that I would not know and therefore not worry.
Always putting others before his own needs.
It dawned on me why he didnt want to speak to me for long, it's not that he didn't have anything to say it but because he couldn't say it. I know it must be hard for him too.

But now I know and my grief is raw.
It's deep and painful like nothing I had ever experinced before.
My dad could slip away and I would be deprived of a chance to say good-bye..worse he would pass on without ever having met his youngest grandchild.
I am torn between catching the earliest flight home and staying on to complete what he has always encouraged us to do.
To get the best education we possibly can.

I think back to when I was young,
how strong my daddy was,
vibrant, solid, indestructible
How he was such an excellent and capable provider.
Upright, dignified and most of all filled with so much love and warmth
though the years have taken a toll on his health
his mind is still as sharp and alert as ever.

I drift back to the phone conversation with my sister.
She said she spoke with our father for almost 30 minutes the longest my dad has ever been on a call perhaps.
She told him that she knew of his condition.
He replied "I have lived many good years, The Lord has allowed me to live out my life in peace in the presence of those I love.
I have enjoyed my work and now am ready to rest. "

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The tears come again like torrential rain splattering on the keyboard. My nose is clogged up so is my mind.
Being so far away I feel so hopeless...
I know realistically there is not much I can do except pray..

I know what I have to say just don't know how to put them into a coherent structure but there is a voice inside my head screaming "Lord please don't take my dad away, please give me the opportunity to see him. To hold him one last time, to kiss him goodbye, to say Forgive me...Thank you and I love you. Yes I am selfish, I know that death is the end of all men but please please just give me a little more time with him. I need it please Lord I need it. Please don't deny me..."

Dad please wait for me,
I want you to hold my lil girl and kiss her on the forehead like you used to with me.
Please dad don't leave me I can't graduate any earlier than March 2008,
I don't know if I will have the strength to continue if I lose you.
I know I must for you but I don't know If I can or even want to
Please dad, love me enough to wait for me.
I love you dad with all of my heart.
Happy Birthday!!
Always and forever your lil girl.


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13 lilsifi:

  • At 6:16 PM, Anonymous nets said…

    I'm so sorry girl. I've emailed you. Kisses for bubs and lots of love to you all xxx

  • At 11:21 PM, Anonymous nets said…

    oh I forgot this *hugs you* xx

  • At 12:41 AM, Blogger nannyboo said…

    dearest tupe, my heart goes out to you and your family, especially ur dad. A big happy birthday to him. If u were to ask me what my biggest fear would be, i'd say that it was if i were to lose a loved one, especially my mom and dad. But then who else doesnt fear this? I would hate to be in your situation right now, no offence. I dont know what to say really because i dont reckon it would change anything, all i can say is that i will pray for your dad, i will pray for you and that you would get your wish, to see your dad one last time and to let him hold your bebe...God bless you and your loved ones:)

  • At 3:41 AM, Anonymous supasta said…

    Happy Birthday Tupe's daddy..
    and praying that your wish will come true Tupstar..
    stay up..keep the faith and hope all goes well so u can see yo daddy again.
    take care suga and hugs and kisses from dis side

  • At 7:29 PM, Blogger dasifi said…

    Nets, Nan, Jenz..
    You have helped me more than you could ever know/ Thank you for that. I am grateful.
    God Bless you all.

  • At 11:20 AM, Blogger Shark Girl said…

    Girl, sorry for being away from blog so long, seeing as my boss CUT my internet.

    Think of the good times, and the many happy memories with your dad. You've been extremely blessed to have him with you for this long. Tupes, you're making me cry here. I pray that he waits for you and Elsa to reach him. He needs to hold his grandchild, and his beloved daughter close to him one last time. Happy Birthday to you Dr Lafi Esera. You are indeed a special man who is dear to many. Tupe my dad always talks the world of your father. He said he is a good man, and with a daughter like you, I believe it wholeheartedly. My prayers are with you and your family and especially your daddy. Be strong and know that you will be with him here soon.

    Lots of love and hugs,

    Ninny

  • At 1:57 PM, Blogger dasifi said…

    Thanks Ninny,
    I know you know how I feel as you were here in japan when ur dad got pretty ill too. Its a feeling I would rather forego but yeah you are right we are very blessed to have had him for this long.
    My journey along life's pathway will be bleak without him should the Lord call him home but I know as as long as I hold in close in my heart he will never be truly gone. Thanks so much girl my dad respects ur dad a lot and I know he must be really special too with a daughter like you I believe it!
    Take care of yourself Tinto and Chee and thank you so much for the encouraging words. You guys have really come thru for me and I feel so much better.
    God Bless my dear.

  • At 9:32 AM, Blogger Pinky in Boots said…

    Alofas from Samoa.
    Loto tele...

  • At 10:45 AM, Blogger Goddess of Savaii said…

    kalofa e, you poor thing, its always hard when youre away, but just cherish the good memories and ...loto tele (i never know how that works but try it anyway), just finish your studies and that will make him so so proud,..alofa tele atu,

  • At 4:48 AM, Blogger fotu of samoa said…

    Only Love from me to you and yours. You're in my prayers. :)

  • At 4:50 PM, Blogger dasifi said…

    Sita, Jody n Fotu,
    Ladies your words have brought much comfort and I thank you for the prayers. Please know that it is much appreciated.
    God Bless you and yours.

  • At 8:15 AM, Blogger t!@ said…

    Hi Tupe,
    Have only just come by your entry and if I didn't already have the flu, with my eyes tearing and my nose drooping every two seconds, our office would probably know by now that I was actually crying instead. I think what you're going through is something we all fear and all hope will never happen to us. They say that a parent's fear is losing their child...but doesn't it work both ways? Especially if you have a parent as loving and so obviously loved as your dad. I will also pray for you and pray that your father will live for many more years to see his grandkids grow old before his time. Take care and God bless.
    Hugs and kisses from Samoa :)

  • At 11:19 AM, Blogger dasifi said…

    t!@ gurl,
    Thank you so much. I know death is a part of life and it comes to us all and I am really grateful that the Lord has given my dad so many wonderful years its a human response to want to hold on. I know that God's will will prevail just only beseeching him for a lil time so my daughter can meet her grandpa and for me too to say all the things I have been able to.
    I have drawn so much strength from all of you ladies. I am so so grateful. I know the Lord allowed our paths to cross for moments like these. You, Nyds, Nan, Sida,Jenz, Netz, Fawds all of yous have provided me with such wonderful words of encouragement I feel incredibly light hearted considering the circumstance.
    Faafetai faafetai to all of you for taking time out of your busy lives to think of me and my dad.
    Know that it is appreciated from the very depths of my heart.
    Faamanuia tele le Atua i lo outou alofa faalia.
    Soifua ma ia manuia.
    A Blessed week.
    Love from this side.

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